The leaders and teams I work with are highly productive. They know how to get stuff done. In many cases they grind out enormous activity from limited resources.

And almost all of them feel like they aren’t disciplined enough.

There are times in leadership when we need to use authority to get things done. Urgent situations, lack of skill, discipline, or poor performance might all cause a wise leader to be very direct. It’s a blunt approach, but it works well when needed.

In the last two months I’ve met with leaders, boards, and teams from large and small organizations who have insights and expertise that has potential significantly beyond their budget and capacity limits. They have learned lessons that others would absolutely benefit from. But too often they are unaware, or even unwilling to share.

The problem is that leaders like this don’t know they need people to challenge their instincts. They need someone to be able to say no. And they generally really dislike being told no.

Whether it’s ethnicity, disability, marginalization, socioeconomic disadvantage, sexual orientation and gender identity, neurodiversity, or coming from different subcultures; adding diversity to a team or organization doesn’t often go seamlessly.

It’s something like this:

More Diversity leads to increased Complexity which causes reduced Efficiency.

After nearly 3 hours of rock, without an intermission, Bruce led the band to their exit. But instead of going first down the ramp, he stopped. He turned and had a moment with each of the dozen or so performers as they went past him to the backstage area. It was just a few words, a hug for some, a pat on the back for others. I could see on the jumbo screens that the thing he said most frequently was “Thank You”.

It’s a little disorienting to recognize that you are now the highest ranking person. You are the one in charge, who is expected to know what to do.

Healthy leaders understand the need for grown ups in the room, and they understand when they become those grown ups.

It’s been my privilege for nearly twenty years to spend time behind the scenes of dozens of charities in Canada and internationally. I’ve seen leaders, teams, and programs at their best and their worst. I’ve seen some stuff.

It takes courage, risk, and some vulnerability to apply the principles well described in resources like Crucial Conversations, Fierce Conversations, Dare To Lead, or Radical Candor.

Whatever model or theory you use, the precondition is trust.

For many organizations these 2-4 events each year have become much more important with the rise of remote work, closure of office space, and high personnel turnover in recent years. If you don’t get much time actually together you should make it count.

But sit through one training session where people get hungry, thirsty, or (as I learned the hard way several years ago) no one has provided coffee and you’ll understand why it matters.

People can’t give their best when they’re distracted by empty stomachs, dry throats, or missing their usual caffeine fix.

So, next time you hear someday they love feedback, listen a little deeper. Same if they desire data, thrive with deadlines, find joy in collaborating, or are very comfortable in conflict; there may be a deeper truth they aren’t ready to acknowledge, or don’t even understand about themselves.

Helping people understand gradients and ranges of success, encouraging them to see both what is working and what isn’t, and training our teams to hold things in tension are essential skills that are under-developed in many places.

I know there are leaders who have no trouble setting work aside completely aside when they’re off; that’s never been me. And so, in case you also find it difficult to fully step away, here are some of the things that made it possible for me to be present for the adventure while keeping my work anxiety under control.

I have to know the leaders I serve well enough to be able to discern when and how to encourage, when and how to challenge, and when and how to confront if I really think it’s necessary. If you lead, you need to do the same for the people in your organization.

In between micromanaging and total autonomy there’s lots of room for leaders to use suggestion, modeling, persuasion, and other strategies to move people towards more internal authority.

The referee probably should have ejected me from the game at that point but he knew I was a fair player and saw by my reaction that I was as shocked as anyone by my actions. I honestly just wasn’t thinking straight the second time.

Too many charity employees distrust their board.

Boards easily become seen as a distant and suspect entity, holding authority without insight, and out of touch with the day to day reality of things. They become a convenient bogeyman to blame and criticize when staff don’t feel seen and supported.

So I truly believe every organization is unique.

But I also cringe sometimes when leaders tell me how unique their team, challenges, and situation is.

The thing is, claiming uniqueness can be a way to avoid accountability. If no one else is in my situation then no one else has ever solved my problems; and I can’t be expected to do what others have done successfully.

We need to understand that being held in high regard is a privilege. It brings advantages and opportunities. It makes doing what we do easier and usually less expensive financially and otherwise.

And without those short cuts we must be more diligent about our character, better at expressing who we are and what we do, intentional in how we communicate since we no longer receive the benefit of the doubt.