I Love “Feedback”

Sometimes we say things that are sincere and well intended but not entirely true…

It’s good form to say “I love feedback”, but in many cases it’s a bit of a fib.

As much as we’ve been trained to receive constructive criticism and value improvement-oriented input; for a lot of people (myself included) it’;s also a mask for saying what is more deeply true:

I thrive on compliments.

I do genuinely appreciate suggestions that help me do better. But I receive them best when I am also regularly receiving some affirmation. Hearing “Attaboy! Great job on that!” matters to me.

Maybe that makes me weak, soft, or immature… but admitting it to be true makes me honest and easier to supervise.

The leaders I work with most closely, especially over multiple years, eventually get to the point of being able to admit that at our core most of us have a few immature or imperfect patterns. Some of these are real problems we need to deal with, others are traits we can learn to live (and lead) with. Together we discern which is which.

Needing some encouragement isn’t a flaw. It’s a reality for a large majority of human beings. (And, here’s a profound leadership secret from a seasoned consultant: most leaders are actually human).

But admitting our needs requires some vulnerability; and this particular type of vulnerability hasn’t become generally acceptable yet. So we’ve adapted to something less personal, but more available: asking for feedback.

Of course feedback is a good thing. Of course it’s a sign of psychological safety, emotional intelligence, and healthy organizational culture to be able to give and receive direct feedback openly and honestly. Of course I want leaders to develop these skills.

But even more than that, I want to see leaders develop the deep security and confidence to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities and imperfections, and ask our colleagues to support us in them. That’s a breakthrough that can supercharge a team.

Now, you may not be someone who needs words of affirmation. You may be more motivated by other inputs or Love Languages. You may honestly have a hard time giving compliments. That’s all fair.

But as a leader who wants to get the best from your people you need to learn how to serve and support them in the ways that work for them if you want them to do their best work for you.

So, next time you hear someday they love feedback, listen a little deeper. Same if they desire data, thrive with deadlines, find joy in collaborating, or are very comfortable in conflict; there may be a deeper truth they aren’t ready to acknowledge, or don’t even understand about themselves.

Until we reach the incredibly rare level of trust where everyone is openly vulnerable and entirely supportive (which is probably never going to happen); healthy leaders and healthy organizations will have to stay curious.

And if you have and feedback on this post I’d love to hear it! :)

Contact me if I can be helpful to you and/or your organization.

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