Solving Half The Problem
Ever cried in a work meeting?
It’s not rare for there to be some emotion when I’m working with leadership teams.
When leaders care deeply about their work and are dealing with all the pressures that come with charity leadership the stress can be significant. And of course we all have the other stresses present in our personal lives and the world at large. Things are tough.
I learn a lot from the way people respond when a colleague gets upset. There’s usually a little awkwardness, someone offers some tissues, a hand on the shoulder or even a hug isn’t rare. Those are, when they are wanted, good things.
Seeing who takes those steps tells me something about the group dynamics that several temperament tests might not show.
But I also pay close attention to the conversation that follows.
For some teams the tendency is to drop the topic that prompted the emotion, focus on being supportive of their colleague and affirming the relationship. That’s a good thing.
Others move pretty quickly back into the issues at hand, almost treating the tears as a minor interruption on the productivity path. There’s something helpful in that too.
But recently I saw a team that showed a particularly healthy response.
They acknowledged the raw emotion and expressed genuine care, but also made sure to consider what in their work was causing the feelings to escalate. They addressed both the relationships and the systems. I was impressed.
It was a demonstration of the principle that when we are feeling distress we need people who are SAFE, but not SOFT. That is, people who will meet us in our immediate reality but help us find a path towards an outcome that reflects our best selves. (The contrast is the soft person who piles their own frustrations on top of ours and ultimately makes things more difficult). I first learned this distinction in the Arrow Leadership Program many years ago and I refer to it constantly.
When we bring both companion and active problem solving to these moments we respect our colleagues humanity and their professionalism. It is dignity in action.
Most of us find one of these responses more natural than the other. We are drawn toward the emotion or the solution. That’s to be expected. The question is whether we can, either within ourselves individually or through the diversity of our teams, develop the skill of engaging in ways that help both the relationship and the system.