The Values of Saying No

There are plenty of axioms about saying “no”:

-If it’s not a hell yes, its a hell no!

-Never say someone else’s No for them.

-Say no to the good so you can say yes to the best.

This week I’ve been reflecting on some wise thoughts on saying no from leaders I respect.

Leanne Friesen is a pastor and denomination leader who has a special interest in helping people through the harder parts of life. (Her upcoming book Grieving Room is sure to help a lot of people). A recent Facebook post encourages us to say no to a lot of common holiday things that may get in way of actually enjoying the season, or staying consistent with our values and priorities.

In part she says:

Not everyone loves Christmas. Some people find Christmas hard. Maybe you are grieving. Maybe you are going through a hard time. You don’t have to love Christmas. If you’re sad, you can be sad. You don’t have to put on a happy face. You don’t have to celebrate. You can be what you need to be.

There’s a lot of wisdom and practical compassion in what she shares.

Leadership guru Carey Nieuwhof took a different angle on a similar sentiment with his list of 42 Things You Can Say No To In 2024. For leaders who are struggling to get everything done, or to focus on the most important things, there are a pile of suggestions that can help free you up to focus.

It becomes so much easier to eliminate overwhelm when you have categories that you simply say ‘no’ to. As a result, you avoid all the mental floundering— time and energy—involved in thinking about whether you should say yes or no.

When you decide what you won’t do, it frees up time and energy to fulfill your purpose. Case closed. Move on.

Both Leanne and Carey have good things to consider.

But I want to encourage you to dig just a little deeper.

As you read each of their posts ask yourself not only “What can I take from this for my reality right now?” but also, “What are the deeper ideas and values this author is operating from”.

It’s interesting how different those answers might be. Particularly given that both Leanne and Carey have spent years leading local churches.

Leanne wants us to take care of ourselves. To reject the overwhelming obligations of our family, community, and even ourselves if they ultimately lead us into more stress and less meaningful living. Her post could come from a psychotherapist, or a deeply wise and caring grandparent. At heart she wants us to be free to be healthy.

Carey wants us to be focused. To reject everything that is distracting from our highest leverage and most productive activities. He encourages leaders to be strongly committed to making the most of our time and energy and not allowing other people to intrude on our attention. He wants us to be free to drive results.

As with any advice, it’s up to us what we choose to take from it. I see value in both offerings. But what I hope we are doing before accepting any guidance is considering what deeper thinking and values are being expressed and how well they align with our own for this situation. When we don’t take that extra step it becomes too easy to end up just chasing the latest trend or the most recent post from someone we respect instead of building systems and approaches that truly reflect who we, and our organizations, most want to be.

And that definitely includes any advice I offer.

Contact me if I can be helpful to you and/or your organization.

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