Feedback Freeze

“Hey, can I give you some feedback?”

The call had been going so well up until that point.

It was a monthly PACE call with a leader I really enjoy and after working through some things she’s dealing with in her organization she casually offered to give me some insight from the people she serves.

I had an instantaneous physical response.

I felt my stomach clench, my shoulders tighten, and my breathing get quick and shallow. All before I could even form my response: “Of course, sure…”.

Now here’s the thing. I had no reason to respond with fear. I have a great relationship with that leader, we have legitimately become friends. I trust her deeply and know she’s on my side. I can’t remember us ever having any significant conflict. And she isn’t my boss or in a position of authority over me.

Her tone in bringing up the feedback was calm, even light. Nothing triggering about it at all.

And yet…

Just the prospect of receiving feedback had me experiencing a sudden wave of stress before I could even put words to it. At the core of my brain my amygdala was preparing for trouble. I was reacting to a threat before I had any real reason to perceive one.

By the time she began her next sentence I was somewhat in control of it and able to listen properly. I don’t think my face even registered my brief flash of alarm in any way she could notice.

And it was all unnecesary.

As it turned out, the feedback was entirely positive. She shared that leaders in her network really appreciate the way I bring insight and encouragement. It’s actually been a great boost for the last few days.

But it’s an interesting insight into myself, and I wonder if it’s true of many of us. And if it is, we should consider that possibility when we are offering encouragement, critique, concern, or affirmation. There may be a moment of instant stress response people need to get past before they can receive our insights.