Conditional Honesty

People tell me stuff.

In many ways that’s the key to my success as a consultant. I am able to provide insight and perspective not only based on theories and models, but also due to the depth of honest conversations I have with leaders and teams.

Wise leaders don’t take honesty for granted.

We know that even highly ethical people (who avoid lying) will often be incomplete or careful in what they. share. There’s a lot of grey space between BS and complete honesty.

While the old saying is that children and drunk people tell the truth, my experience is a little different. The formula that produces the most honesty seems something like this:

Honesty happens when (safety + desperation) > (fear + shame).

That is; people will tell you the truth when they feel safe or they feel desperate; and when those feelings are stronger than the fear of consequences and shame.

Cynics will see desperation here and think that’s a leverage point, and it is. You can drive people to a point of honesty when they feel they have nothing left to lose. This sometimes happens in exit interviews, or grenade-like emails thrown over the shoulder as they depart.

But nothing about that is healthy.

Instead, and more productively, we can build a culture of honesty when we create psychological safety and decrease the fear that telling the truth will be punished. That means we demonstrate appropriate vulnerability, reward those who ask questions, approach conflict with curiosity instead of defensiveness, and are intentional about building trust.

Stated simply: You’ll be surprised what people will share with you if you show that you genuinely care.

There are excellent books and courses on developing greater honesty. Radical Candor, and Brené Brown’s Dare To Lead are outstanding. They provide an approach to helping you and your team progress towards deeper honesty.

But most of what you need to know you already understand. You are most open with the people who you know will hear you out, give the benefit of the doubt, respect confidentiality, and have your best interests at heart. So is pretty much everyone else.

Consultants have an advantage sometimes because we are seen as relatively impartial and are outside the authority structure that inhibits some people from sharing their raw, unfiltered perspectives. But organizational leaders can develop even greater trust by consistently modelling honesty and being receptive to feedback.

As leaders, making good decisions depends on having honest input from others. What are you doing to make that easier?

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